I am sitting here chowing down on some left over mashed potatos and roast beef, pretty tasty, alittle tough but still tasty non-the-less.
My day started at 530 this morning when Christian called me and told me he wasn't coming to placement....That bastard, goddamn it i wish i could have called in sick today! SO then i got up and headed for the hospital again (another boring day). Was there till 3:00pm, rushed home to see if i could make my computer work again lugged it out in to the hall and hooked it directly to the modem, fuck it still won't work , cock fuckin fuck sucker ahhhhhhh!
So after i did that and got very angry, i got ready to head out to my new "JOB" haha. I got there and sat on my ass for 3 and a half hours. WHIMIS SUCKS! But i got a cool hat and a discount card for all sorts of places.
finally i got to go home
may i add that as of today i have 0 dollars in my bank. Now i am officialy broke!
oh well i have a new month with a job this time so it will go better i hope, well unless i get fired!
And last night i had matt come over to look at my computer and see if he could hook it up to the internet. Well do you know what? my fuckin network plug doesn't even work errrrrr. all that for nothing . JESUS ...you suck
and also to add i forgot my guitar outside last night, i got distracted by my landlord trying to fix my phone and completely forgot. Thanks to my idiot luck nothing happened to it, like racoons randomly attacking it cause they are hairy little bastards. haha i am gonna poison them one night, those fuckers are gonna die !!!!!!!
so thats been my day and a bit, now its time for a shower!
Tuesday, May 31
Wednesday, May 25
Somethings new
Well yesterday i went for my second interview at Mcdonalds and yes i got the job, but did i really want it? ...NO! i don't wanna work at Mcdees, i wanna work somewhere respectable. The good thing about this though is now my mom is gonna pay for the first rent of my house ($500 i get from her) which is pretty good because right now i am super broke.
I went to mybar last night, it was fun at first but it got to crowded after a while and there were so many strange looking people, Old ladies and old men, some pretty dirty people to. Although i did finally win a game of pool. It felt really good to, i am not used to winning.
This morning jacks took me out for a drive so that i would be ready for my G test today. I always get nervous when it comes to these things. fucking up is the worst thing i can do ...oh and did i mention the most common thing i do. ahhh im watching the clock and i hate watching the clock.
I was thinking alot last night after i talked to tyler ( and met his new lady friend) that it really sucks being in this position, where you really would like something, but you can't ever have it. It makes me sad alot of the time and i really don't want to be sad, and i don't want to want it. The frustration kicks in fulltime.
I fuckin want this program to end now! Its driving me insane, ya i meet some pretty cool people in the hospital, but still ahhhh. I don't know what it is, but sometimes i get scared that i can't do certain things, or in other cases i get totally pissed at one of the girls who is in my group. She always trys to make me look really bad and she thinks she knows everything (hey i can say i don't know everything) but she can't. She is a cool person outside of the hospital but i don't really like being around her that much anymore in the hospital.
Last night i felt like crying, sometimes i get these emotional waves over me and all i can think about is how alone i am. i think thats why i miss him the most, because i am alone. my bed is so empty its a big bed to and i m a small person so i can't fill it all up. I don't want to be alone forever. I feel like i have no one i can share this connection with. I wanna give someone everything i have. I love caring for people, making things for them for example cd mixs. I guess i try to show the person i am always thinking about them, but i don't even know anymore that people care about that now. I think maybe i give to much and so others take and i am still left with nothing.
Maybe i am saying that i want someone who would make a mix cd for me, maybe even play the guitar for me. Make me dinner sometimes and call me, even just show up at my door randomly. I love surprises (not actual valued things ie presents) things that are priceless, like memories. i hold on to memories with a really tight grip. One small little thing can trigger so much for me and then i start thinking again. My brain just won't shut off! I hate my heart for what it has done to me, i blame my self and no one else for my sadness. I just don't know what to do anymore!
I went to mybar last night, it was fun at first but it got to crowded after a while and there were so many strange looking people, Old ladies and old men, some pretty dirty people to. Although i did finally win a game of pool. It felt really good to, i am not used to winning.
This morning jacks took me out for a drive so that i would be ready for my G test today. I always get nervous when it comes to these things. fucking up is the worst thing i can do ...oh and did i mention the most common thing i do. ahhh im watching the clock and i hate watching the clock.
I was thinking alot last night after i talked to tyler ( and met his new lady friend) that it really sucks being in this position, where you really would like something, but you can't ever have it. It makes me sad alot of the time and i really don't want to be sad, and i don't want to want it. The frustration kicks in fulltime.
I fuckin want this program to end now! Its driving me insane, ya i meet some pretty cool people in the hospital, but still ahhhh. I don't know what it is, but sometimes i get scared that i can't do certain things, or in other cases i get totally pissed at one of the girls who is in my group. She always trys to make me look really bad and she thinks she knows everything (hey i can say i don't know everything) but she can't. She is a cool person outside of the hospital but i don't really like being around her that much anymore in the hospital.
Last night i felt like crying, sometimes i get these emotional waves over me and all i can think about is how alone i am. i think thats why i miss him the most, because i am alone. my bed is so empty its a big bed to and i m a small person so i can't fill it all up. I don't want to be alone forever. I feel like i have no one i can share this connection with. I wanna give someone everything i have. I love caring for people, making things for them for example cd mixs. I guess i try to show the person i am always thinking about them, but i don't even know anymore that people care about that now. I think maybe i give to much and so others take and i am still left with nothing.
Maybe i am saying that i want someone who would make a mix cd for me, maybe even play the guitar for me. Make me dinner sometimes and call me, even just show up at my door randomly. I love surprises (not actual valued things ie presents) things that are priceless, like memories. i hold on to memories with a really tight grip. One small little thing can trigger so much for me and then i start thinking again. My brain just won't shut off! I hate my heart for what it has done to me, i blame my self and no one else for my sadness. I just don't know what to do anymore!
Monday, May 23
all this exciting shit
so again its been a while
i m findign it hard to keep up with not have any internet of my own!! but that will change sometime soon, i hope.
On wednesday i got to go see the sugeries, it was sweet. All the blood, smell of fish and burning flesh. It was awesome! When i got home i was beat though, i was standing in the same spot all day.
On thursday i went up to Das's cottage, might i add its a very nice place and i can't wait to go back there. I am excited for the party in june. Im gonna get trashed again lol. The road to the cottage was a little narrow and might i say grassy and scrappy branchy, some steep turns too!
2 dogs ran out infront of my car to and scared the shit out of me. they wouldn't get out od the way and as i (hearing tyler and das in the back screaming for me to go) tryed to go forward they would just keep throwing themselves infront of the car. Well finally after five minutes of honking and braking i was free of the suicidal dogs.
Once we got to the cottage i was attacked by killer mayflys and mosquitos. They were in my hair and my mouth. Oh and just thinking about them makes me itchy.
We eventually went for a boat ride and it was awesome. The water was like glass and there were no other boats out on the water, it was like our own personal lake! I took some really good pictures and well to bad i can't post them because its not my computer errrr.......
Anyway, i got to meet Das's Dad and his brother too. Very nice Characters! I hope to meet again too.
After we got back from the cottage scott talked be and Das into going to see star wars III, it was ok nothing special, but i did enjoy it. Those seats are so uncomfortable though, my ass hurt mega time after that movie.
Well Friday i did "SFA" just learned that one today. And well saturday was BBQ Beirut. Got totally drunk and well forgot half the night. But i do remember kicking some serious ass in beirut....FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. i was so excited that i drank way to much and finished off a micky of vodka. OPPS. well i did recover by 12:30 but the party had ended by then. But ya when i woke up Das and scott had took off and left me at matts, i eneded up passing out on his bed again. Oh well, i caught a ride with mike in the morning and went back to Das's house. Breakfast @ the star dinner Ya. It was pretty good. I actually didn't want to leave, the conversation was too good. But all good things come to an end
I found out that i am a person that does whatever i want! Even if it is totally unreasonable and retarded. Oh well, i will evetually learn what is right an wrong and one day, just maybe i will find someone who respects me for me and sees what a good person i am. Humm when will that be... probably when i am dead. hahaha
well i have now stopped the search for guys and hopefully by saying that it will help me find some one thats right for me. OHHH knock on wood! (like that will ever happen)
peace fool
truly "the Spin"
i m findign it hard to keep up with not have any internet of my own!! but that will change sometime soon, i hope.
On wednesday i got to go see the sugeries, it was sweet. All the blood, smell of fish and burning flesh. It was awesome! When i got home i was beat though, i was standing in the same spot all day.
On thursday i went up to Das's cottage, might i add its a very nice place and i can't wait to go back there. I am excited for the party in june. Im gonna get trashed again lol. The road to the cottage was a little narrow and might i say grassy and scrappy branchy, some steep turns too!
2 dogs ran out infront of my car to and scared the shit out of me. they wouldn't get out od the way and as i (hearing tyler and das in the back screaming for me to go) tryed to go forward they would just keep throwing themselves infront of the car. Well finally after five minutes of honking and braking i was free of the suicidal dogs.
Once we got to the cottage i was attacked by killer mayflys and mosquitos. They were in my hair and my mouth. Oh and just thinking about them makes me itchy.
We eventually went for a boat ride and it was awesome. The water was like glass and there were no other boats out on the water, it was like our own personal lake! I took some really good pictures and well to bad i can't post them because its not my computer errrr.......
Anyway, i got to meet Das's Dad and his brother too. Very nice Characters! I hope to meet again too.
After we got back from the cottage scott talked be and Das into going to see star wars III, it was ok nothing special, but i did enjoy it. Those seats are so uncomfortable though, my ass hurt mega time after that movie.
Well Friday i did "SFA" just learned that one today. And well saturday was BBQ Beirut. Got totally drunk and well forgot half the night. But i do remember kicking some serious ass in beirut....FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. i was so excited that i drank way to much and finished off a micky of vodka. OPPS. well i did recover by 12:30 but the party had ended by then. But ya when i woke up Das and scott had took off and left me at matts, i eneded up passing out on his bed again. Oh well, i caught a ride with mike in the morning and went back to Das's house. Breakfast @ the star dinner Ya. It was pretty good. I actually didn't want to leave, the conversation was too good. But all good things come to an end
I found out that i am a person that does whatever i want! Even if it is totally unreasonable and retarded. Oh well, i will evetually learn what is right an wrong and one day, just maybe i will find someone who respects me for me and sees what a good person i am. Humm when will that be... probably when i am dead. hahaha
well i have now stopped the search for guys and hopefully by saying that it will help me find some one thats right for me. OHHH knock on wood! (like that will ever happen)
peace fool
truly "the Spin"
Thursday, May 12
Home sweet home
So i have finally made it back home, i am feeling alot better now to. I think i have gotten over my slump. So the drive home was really long and when i got home my mom asked me for soemthing and i wasn't sure what she was talking about. Then i had realized that i had not gotten her a card for mothers day, now i didn't forget mothers day, i called her! I just forgot to pick up a card on the way home.
Well i forgot...opps
so now i have to figure something out. I am thinking hard, i am pretty low on the casholla.
So last night was pretty fun, after i left the hospital i went straight to Polish's house and chilled with him on his front steps. It was so nice yesterday, i just love the sun. Then we decided that he was going to have to make hamburgers, so we set out to get BEER. Stopped at the book store along the way and picked up a really sweet insult:
Holowale kanaka
Ahahahaha.
So ya after that we traveled to a computer store where we picked up Scott. Then we got the beer and walked back. It was a long walk back carrying a 12 pack. But i made it so i feel like that was my exercise for the week (IAM only kidding...or maybe not). Once we got back Hamburgers were made and they were soooooooo good, the tournament sauce was DA boom. I had 2 double burgers. So much better the McDonald's. After we tried to watch the worriers, But that movie was just too 80's. We ended up watching Donnie Darko (that would probably be the 10th or maybe 12th time i have seen it) Oh man speaking of movies, I Heart Huckabees , Super Troopers and Anchorman have made the top of my list. I have watched them all multiple times and i am not one to watch movies again and again.
So anyway. We drank beer and had a lovely night. This morning i got up drove over to matts knocked on the door for several minutes. I finally left, got back home talked with him for a bit. ITS all good now, i feel 20 times better now! then i took off to go home.
I am freaken tired tonight. I have been having to many late nights lately.
Now i am looking forward to this wedding on saturday crossing my fingers there is an open bar......PLEASE BE AN OPEN BAR! so i can drink free alcohol and have a gay ol' time.
Ok well i am rambling again ill stop now.
Well i forgot...opps
so now i have to figure something out. I am thinking hard, i am pretty low on the casholla.
So last night was pretty fun, after i left the hospital i went straight to Polish's house and chilled with him on his front steps. It was so nice yesterday, i just love the sun. Then we decided that he was going to have to make hamburgers, so we set out to get BEER. Stopped at the book store along the way and picked up a really sweet insult:
Holowale kanaka
Ahahahaha.
So ya after that we traveled to a computer store where we picked up Scott. Then we got the beer and walked back. It was a long walk back carrying a 12 pack. But i made it so i feel like that was my exercise for the week (IAM only kidding...or maybe not). Once we got back Hamburgers were made and they were soooooooo good, the tournament sauce was DA boom. I had 2 double burgers. So much better the McDonald's. After we tried to watch the worriers, But that movie was just too 80's. We ended up watching Donnie Darko (that would probably be the 10th or maybe 12th time i have seen it) Oh man speaking of movies, I Heart Huckabees , Super Troopers and Anchorman have made the top of my list. I have watched them all multiple times and i am not one to watch movies again and again.
So anyway. We drank beer and had a lovely night. This morning i got up drove over to matts knocked on the door for several minutes. I finally left, got back home talked with him for a bit. ITS all good now, i feel 20 times better now! then i took off to go home.
I am freaken tired tonight. I have been having to many late nights lately.
Now i am looking forward to this wedding on saturday crossing my fingers there is an open bar......PLEASE BE AN OPEN BAR! so i can drink free alcohol and have a gay ol' time.
Ok well i am rambling again ill stop now.
Wednesday, May 11
I have been crushed like a fly .....
thats been buzzing at your window for days, the suffering is long and hard, but eventually i was put out of my sad hopefull misery.
I am at an all time low today. I have no feelings left in my sorry soul. Nothing at all! Its been a hadr month, ii Have not had a good one. It started out wonderfull to tell you the truth. But thats only because you need something wonderfull so that it can be smashed, crushed DESTROYED. Its all relative:
I meet a guy which i think is the best guy i have met so far. He's older more mature he even seems to really click with me. Things are going well, dinner was made for me. Never had some one done that for me before. I am now really happy, it seems my bad luck with men has changed, done a full 360, but i was wrong. I should have know that things are always to good to be true. Its started with the ex....... ya just metioning the name and you know what i mean, and it wasn't even my ex this time. the one word destoryed everything that i had seen possible in the next ....well next while. i thought i had found some one ................................ohhh i don't even know anymore. then the health problems followed. They are what make it even harder to deal.
one more disaster to add to my list of many. I think i must carry a curse with me.
Its called
"You will never be happy ever, anything that comes to you and is good will be destroyed and you will never feel the same again"
so now that i have realized that i will never be happy, i can stop caring. This world is a cruel and dark place and only few luck people will get what they want. i have now almost come to terms with myself and with one small talk i think i will be able to do what ever i want.
I am finding it really hard to cry, i want to, i need to. It will make me feel better, but i can't even do that cause i can't feel anything anymore. Its like when you have been hit so many times in the same spot that you can't even feel it anymore. Thats me! My heart can't feel anymore and i feel trapped inside this depression. I don't want to be here! Its a scary lonely place. and the only other thing here with me is my mind and my mind plays evil tricks on me, telling me things are worse then they are. I can't be left alone or i will be sucked into the black hole of nothingness.
FUCK SHIT FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT ASSS FUCK ITS ALL BULLSHIT FUCKIN BASTARD FUCK ASS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i think ill be ok , no worries!
I am at an all time low today. I have no feelings left in my sorry soul. Nothing at all! Its been a hadr month, ii Have not had a good one. It started out wonderfull to tell you the truth. But thats only because you need something wonderfull so that it can be smashed, crushed DESTROYED. Its all relative:
I meet a guy which i think is the best guy i have met so far. He's older more mature he even seems to really click with me. Things are going well, dinner was made for me. Never had some one done that for me before. I am now really happy, it seems my bad luck with men has changed, done a full 360, but i was wrong. I should have know that things are always to good to be true. Its started with the ex....... ya just metioning the name and you know what i mean, and it wasn't even my ex this time. the one word destoryed everything that i had seen possible in the next ....well next while. i thought i had found some one ................................ohhh i don't even know anymore. then the health problems followed. They are what make it even harder to deal.
one more disaster to add to my list of many. I think i must carry a curse with me.
Its called
"You will never be happy ever, anything that comes to you and is good will be destroyed and you will never feel the same again"
so now that i have realized that i will never be happy, i can stop caring. This world is a cruel and dark place and only few luck people will get what they want. i have now almost come to terms with myself and with one small talk i think i will be able to do what ever i want.
I am finding it really hard to cry, i want to, i need to. It will make me feel better, but i can't even do that cause i can't feel anything anymore. Its like when you have been hit so many times in the same spot that you can't even feel it anymore. Thats me! My heart can't feel anymore and i feel trapped inside this depression. I don't want to be here! Its a scary lonely place. and the only other thing here with me is my mind and my mind plays evil tricks on me, telling me things are worse then they are. I can't be left alone or i will be sucked into the black hole of nothingness.
FUCK SHIT FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT ASSS FUCK ITS ALL BULLSHIT FUCKIN BASTARD FUCK ASS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i think ill be ok , no worries!
Tuesday, May 10
So its been a while
Hi i am back
Its been a long time since i last wrote...i am kinda in a strange and rough mood right now
i am finding it hard to calm myself down . I may be over reacting but i don't know if i can take this anymore. I need to be wined and played back, beautiful music!
I need some stress relief ...maybe a nice trip out somewhere like a camping trip or something
Polish's Cottage, MAY 24, i am looking forward to that. Hoping a good time will unroll. Getting completely trashed is a must!
Anyone have some ideas about relaxing, what works and what doesnt' ???
I need some serious help or maybe just a friend to vent with
Its been a long time since i last wrote...i am kinda in a strange and rough mood right now
i am finding it hard to calm myself down . I may be over reacting but i don't know if i can take this anymore. I need to be wined and played back, beautiful music!
I need some stress relief ...maybe a nice trip out somewhere like a camping trip or something
Polish's Cottage, MAY 24, i am looking forward to that. Hoping a good time will unroll. Getting completely trashed is a must!
Anyone have some ideas about relaxing, what works and what doesnt' ???
I need some serious help or maybe just a friend to vent with
Friday, May 6
I am so funny
Well I am still without a phone and internet and cable, its getting pretty boring around here. I have played super Nintendo so much that I don’t even think I can play anymore. My mom and dad stopped by today on their way back from the states, they were pretty made that I didn’t go home, well not mad that I didn’t go home but mad that I didn’t call anyone and tell them that I wasn’t coming. Opps, well I went and did some running around today. My printer needs to be repaired, That’s really shitty. Well I finally got my phone up and running today (cell phone that is) fuckin bell is so retarded I want to punch them all in the ovaries. Anyway I am sitting here think what the hell am I going to do for the next two days I have no stupid printer, so I can’t print resumes. Jackie says her printer is low on ink and errrr, I have been stressing to much in the last week, it really sucks. I am so bored that I just feel like eating, which is making me fat!!! Well I need to get rid of some extra pounds L well anyway I am gonna go find some thing to do!
WISH ME LUCK
Monday, May 2
Desperate for the internet
Today I was desperate to get to the internet. Our phone is still not hooked up our cable is not hooked up and we have no internet. What the hell I am I going to do. My party is tomorrow, and half the people don’t even know cause I wasn’t able to get a hold of them. Oh well, so I ended up going to Polish and Scott’s house tonight and struggling with polish’s computer. This mew fancy Mac MSN, I have no idea how to use it. After I was finished emailing many people, we decided to get some beer and
Back to my house I cleaned up the mess, and now I am thinking it’s a good idea to play some guitar. Kori says he has been working on my song. I am excited to hear what he has got so far. Id like to try something for it to right now but I don’t think I have the lyrics. They are only on my blog. I actually don’t know they could be around but i am just to lazy to look for them.
Right about now I am wondering if my mom and dad made it across the border!! They forgot their passports and the were heading to some state I can’t spell and I am not even going to attempt!
Well I am gonna play some tunes now talk to you later, my days are winding down!
Sunday, May 1
The long lost entry's
So I just moved into my new house. Its awesome here I had to do a lot of cleaning but it is looking better everyday. I don’t have a phone or the internet right now but I am getting by. I think I am going to try and sneak over to the school tomorrow and get on msn. Get a hold of
Man Friday night was awesome, I started to drink at about
My parents arrived on Saturday at about
Sunday morning I got up (spent my first night in my new house, but not in my own room) got showered ( the water was not very warm) talked to mark about that, he said he was going to try and fix it….he better man. I love hot showers! So Mom, Dad and I headed off to Canadian Tire to get some shit then we went to get groceries, UMM FOOD. Came back and made some Lunch. EGGS and sausages. It was good, I liked the part about being able to cook on a stove. Well I didn’t cook, my mom did but you know what I mean. They left after lunch and I went out and got another rod and installed it my self, I am so proud! Got a shower curtain and some wall hooks. I scrubbed the bathroom up and down stairs, cleaned the floor, did some laundry and made dinner for Dallas, Freamo and me (pasta um) when Jack’s came home I made her some fried pasta. I had a little bath in the luke warm water and now am just chillin in my room!
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