I have been crushed like a fly .....

thats been buzzing at your window for days, the suffering is long and hard, but eventually i was put out of my sad hopefull misery.

I am at an all time low today. I have no feelings left in my sorry soul. Nothing at all! Its been a hadr month, ii Have not had a good one. It started out wonderfull to tell you the truth. But thats only because you need something wonderfull so that it can be smashed, crushed DESTROYED. Its all relative:

I meet a guy which i think is the best guy i have met so far. He's older more mature he even seems to really click with me. Things are going well, dinner was made for me. Never had some one done that for me before. I am now really happy, it seems my bad luck with men has changed, done a full 360, but i was wrong. I should have know that things are always to good to be true. Its started with the ex....... ya just metioning the name and you know what i mean, and it wasn't even my ex this time. the one word destoryed everything that i had seen possible in the next ....well next while. i thought i had found some one ................................ohhh i don't even know anymore. then the health problems followed. They are what make it even harder to deal.

one more disaster to add to my list of many. I think i must carry a curse with me.

Its called
"You will never be happy ever, anything that comes to you and is good will be destroyed and you will never feel the same again"

so now that i have realized that i will never be happy, i can stop caring. This world is a cruel and dark place and only few luck people will get what they want. i have now almost come to terms with myself and with one small talk i think i will be able to do what ever i want.

I am finding it really hard to cry, i want to, i need to. It will make me feel better, but i can't even do that cause i can't feel anything anymore. Its like when you have been hit so many times in the same spot that you can't even feel it anymore. Thats me! My heart can't feel anymore and i feel trapped inside this depression. I don't want to be here! Its a scary lonely place. and the only other thing here with me is my mind and my mind plays evil tricks on me, telling me things are worse then they are. I can't be left alone or i will be sucked into the black hole of nothingness.

FUCK SHIT FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT ASSS FUCK ITS ALL BULLSHIT FUCKIN BASTARD FUCK ASS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i think ill be ok , no worries!