Somethings new

Well yesterday i went for my second interview at Mcdonalds and yes i got the job, but did i really want it? ...NO! i don't wanna work at Mcdees, i wanna work somewhere respectable. The good thing about this though is now my mom is gonna pay for the first rent of my house ($500 i get from her) which is pretty good because right now i am super broke.

I went to mybar last night, it was fun at first but it got to crowded after a while and there were so many strange looking people, Old ladies and old men, some pretty dirty people to. Although i did finally win a game of pool. It felt really good to, i am not used to winning.

This morning jacks took me out for a drive so that i would be ready for my G test today. I always get nervous when it comes to these things. fucking up is the worst thing i can do ...oh and did i mention the most common thing i do. ahhh im watching the clock and i hate watching the clock.

I was thinking alot last night after i talked to tyler ( and met his new lady friend) that it really sucks being in this position, where you really would like something, but you can't ever have it. It makes me sad alot of the time and i really don't want to be sad, and i don't want to want it. The frustration kicks in fulltime.

I fuckin want this program to end now! Its driving me insane, ya i meet some pretty cool people in the hospital, but still ahhhh. I don't know what it is, but sometimes i get scared that i can't do certain things, or in other cases i get totally pissed at one of the girls who is in my group. She always trys to make me look really bad and she thinks she knows everything (hey i can say i don't know everything) but she can't. She is a cool person outside of the hospital but i don't really like being around her that much anymore in the hospital.

Last night i felt like crying, sometimes i get these emotional waves over me and all i can think about is how alone i am. i think thats why i miss him the most, because i am alone. my bed is so empty its a big bed to and i m a small person so i can't fill it all up. I don't want to be alone forever. I feel like i have no one i can share this connection with. I wanna give someone everything i have. I love caring for people, making things for them for example cd mixs. I guess i try to show the person i am always thinking about them, but i don't even know anymore that people care about that now. I think maybe i give to much and so others take and i am still left with nothing.

Maybe i am saying that i want someone who would make a mix cd for me, maybe even play the guitar for me. Make me dinner sometimes and call me, even just show up at my door randomly. I love surprises (not actual valued things ie presents) things that are priceless, like memories. i hold on to memories with a really tight grip. One small little thing can trigger so much for me and then i start thinking again. My brain just won't shut off! I hate my heart for what it has done to me, i blame my self and no one else for my sadness. I just don't know what to do anymore!